“I have a friend who acts like he has a crush on me but when I asked him he said no. He is always there for me, we can talk about anything, he pays for things when we go out because he’s a gentleman, he kisses me on the lips whenever we see each other, and he will pretty much do anything for me, if I needed it. People automatically assume we are together whenever go out. I am taking him at his word and don’t want to read too much into it and I have just come to think that he is just a really nice guy but friends say there is no way he would do the things he does for me if he didn’t like me. Am I right or is there more to it?” Thanks, Clueless
A preamble or qualifier, if you will:
I enter, and eagerly participate in, the world of Fluffylicious with a certain belief, proven over centuries of wars, births, civilizations and behavioral sciences: that women are overall more intelligent than men. They’re hard-wired to find and interact and interrelate with multiple stimuli (simultaneously), that men, generally, are not. So I answer this and every question with a certain sense of audacity and boldness. Why? Because I’m of the male species, giving you insight into what is – in a gender-based, XY chromosomal kinda way – a simpler brain.
That being said, Ms. Clueless, when are you gonna handle the reigns of your preternatural Sherlock Holmes and let another man clearly fight for your Fluffylicious-ness?
Let’s go back a bit because I’m reading between the lines at the things you’ve left out. For instance, you haven’t said a thing about how YOU feel about this guy. Why would you care about his crush on you? How about your crush on him? Not to get all Steve Harvey-ish on you but your first sentence said it all: When you asked him he said no. But what if he’d said yes? How would you have taken it then? Would you have been ready? Are you even ready now?
Here’s the second part that seems odd. He’s a gentleman yet he kisses (pecks?) you on the lips. Who really initiates that? I’ve done my share of kissing (pecking) the lips of women friends but I do find it a bit unnerving. Why? Because it’s an intimate thing isn’t it, and growing boys stop pecking on the lips once they enter their tween years. I’d like to think that pecks on the lips mean something, especially when I see that woman once in a blue moon – and she’s sober – but really, I take it as just her thing. Why would your friend be any different?
Here’s the third thing: “people assume” that we are together and “friends say” he must like you. Have your friends ever ask him directly: what do you think of my gal, Clueless? I doubt it. Or are you all conspiratorially playing sly, observing and taking notes on the man? (Again, the gatherer-mother-nurturer thing inverted to look like a coven from a man’s perspective. Oh, the horror.) The assumptions that weave through your letter surely back up the emotional THICKNESS I’m here to cut through.
You know the saying: everyone wants something they can’t have…
Check your own closeness with the man. See if you’re not enabling this whole matter. Most guys don’t wanna hear about other men you like, if they wanna get a shot at you. If this guy hasn’t made any sensual advances outside of pecks on the lips then he just might be a sensitive guy who’s content with the friendship, as is. A guy that doesn’t just LIKE you but LOVES, ACCEPTS and RESPECTS you (as yourself, as a friend). He’s likely the one who’s heard a bunch of your dating dramas, and has supported you through them. Doing what I’m doing here. That is valuable, for both of you. Your value to this dude isn’t intimacy in the physical and sexual sense. It’s more like phila versus agape versus eros love. Don’t wreck that up!
Don’t risk losing that closeness (he’s gonna expect reciprocation for when he shares his REAL woman-crushes with you). Be cautious of the space of friendship and trust you want to keep creating with this dude. Be mindful of the boundaries you’re supposed to be setting. And, dagnabit, set new ones if you’re still confused. No more lip pecks! Insist on paying Dutch! Stop having him do stuff for you: either don’t ask him to, or tell him NO if he offers.
To answer your question, yes, take the man at his word. Stop reading into it. What might be helpful to ask is: what is up with the men you’re surrounding yourself with if he’s such a standout? Many women believe, men like your friend are hard to come by. That’s a big lie, a tall tale. There are plenty of men who can fit the bill and will pursue, court and love you. So claim it, go get it.
P.S. And why not have this wonderful man-friend of yours, connect you to some of his colleagues/friends?
