There is nothing like the power of “No.” Saying “No” to scam artists; “No” to spam; “No” to robocalls; “No” to cheek-showing mini-skirts; “No” to lame pick-up lines; “No” to overtime when you’re exhausted is liberating and self-affirming.
Then there is the “No” that blocks life coming in. Like saying “No” to taking classes that would increase your chances of promotion; “No” to applying for a new job when the job you have doesn’t pay you enough; “No” to moving to a better place because you hate packing and moving.
There is yet another “No” that I have discovered. This “No” is never thought, never spoken, but always wins. It’s the inner “No” that stands guard around your heart. Its sole purpose is to defend and protect from all potential heartache. It does such a fantastic job, you should give it a raise. It always finds the faults in a potential new job, new home, new class, new suitor. It always uncovers evidence of untrustworthiness or unworthiness. This “No” always keeps you believing these prospects are just not good enough.
When I hit a wall on being single, I joined a few dating sites. I asked my friends to introduce me to the single friends they would date. I went out to events where I could be seen and talked to. I was taking action. I was a “Yes!”
I responded to every man who made inquiries. Every guy who asked me out, I said “yes” to. I was open to the perfect guy being the one I least expected. I went on 30 dates in three months. I had a ball! However, there was not one second date. There was always something that wasn’t a match.
In looking deeply at that experience, I saw that my spoken “Yes” was trumped by my unspoken “No.” That “No” was clearly saying: “No, I will not let you in so you can see all of me, not like what you see, and then reject me.”
That “No” is really just a fear of intimacy.
My unspoken “No” reduced the risk of pain by 100% but it also kept love out by 100%, the very thing I declared I wanted. It keeps me safe but also keeps me from having the experience of loving and being loved exactly as I am and am not: flaws, scars and all. This “No” keeps the lie of my unloveability in place and I am soooo not committed to that.
So now I am a “Yes!” I’m a “Yes” to risk; a “Yes” to getting my heart broken; a “Yes” to being emotionally naked because now I’m a “Yes” to being loved for all of me. I am a “Yes” to knowing the exhilaration of being loved and the pain of loss. I say “Yes” to all of the journey~ not just the parts I like. I am a big, fat, juicy “Yes” to Life and to Love and it feels great!
