Last week Nightline aired a segment titled, “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” This is the second airing of this topic and many of my friends have boycotted the second one because they thought the first one made us appear desperate. Now, many that I’ve talked to have a variety of opinions concerning this topic. Are we the only ones who can’t find a man? Where exactly are we looking in order to find this man? The title in itself breeds desperation because I get the vision of us at the beach with the metal detectors and the men are the metals. The segment had some very valid points on both sides of the coin.
The main idea that was discussed was that we as black women should date men with potential. Potential is such a broad term though and so subjective. One may feel potential means I plan on doing something with my life one day, while the other may feel that I’m active in my plan and I’m getting closer to that goal. Personally, I think our choices in men are creating a standard that forces the next woman to settle.
If we set boundaries and standards, stop compromising, and require quality, men will have no choices but to stop doing business as usual when it comes to dating. He will either walk away because he doesn’t want to put in the work or realize that there is something different about us and become intrigued enough to see how this relationship will work out.
I’m not saying that we should have a man jump through hoops of the impossible but we should have some standards. Nowadays men are saying and doing any and everything to women and many women are giving the illusion that they are okay with it because they are not speaking up when their man gets out of pocket.
Lately, a few women have shared some of the conversations they’ve had recently with their men and I’m shocked that these men feel comfortable enough to say some of the most disrespectful and inappropriate things and not even blink. Of course everyone’s tolerance level is different but when a man says on the first date with a smirk on his face, “How long do you think it’ll be before we sleep together,” it’s time for us to step it up. I can almost guarantee that’s not the first time he’s said that and if he’s not corrected, he’ll continue to approach women in this outrageous manner. It’s sad that he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he said , even sadder, she thought that was cute.
In my opinion, this has to do with how people are raising their children. Both boys and girls are learning by watching your interactions with the opposite sex and looking at what you’re willing to tolerate. Boys are taking their cues of how to treat women from the men you allow in your life and little girls are learning from watching mommy how she should be treated. We are allowing any and everything to go on in our houses for the sake of keeping a man and we co-sign this behavior by keeping silent.
This is unacceptable because, of course, when the man moves on and comes across someone with a backbone or actual standards suddenly that woman is looked at as angry, bitter, or delusional. Now, she’s considered too picky!
Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe that there are something’s that can be a bit much when it comes to the “List.” Women have to be offering something too. If you want an intellectual, open a book every once in awhile. You want a rock climber, turn the television off and go out and be active. In other words, be what you’re asking for or, at the very least, start working on it.
I am firm believer that there are good men with unwavering character out there regardless of your preference of color. But we might not be able to see them because we’re so busy looking at someone we’re only with for the sake of having “someone.” That old saying, “a piece of man is better than any man” is wrong on so many levels. Whoever said that must’ve been miserable, but somehow we’ve adopted that cliché and ran with it!
Set standards ladies and stop compromising or we’ll continue to meet men who aren’t concerned with our needs or feelings and don’t know how to treat a Woman. Let’s be the change we’re looking for.
Social Genocide : Fluffylicious